Herpes Dating Help Blog

HDate - a UK based dating site for people with herpes

2006-09-04T09:12:00.000Z

I've just visited the HDate forum, a UK based community for people with herpes. There's a forum where you can discuss any questions/worries that you might have about herpes - and also, if you want to, you can post an ad looking for a partner.

One of the topics that comes up often in the forums is how to tell someone that you have herpes. It's important to tell before you start an intimate relationship and a lot of people feel quite scared of this.

There's a fear that the other person will just disappear - scared off by the thought of an infectious disease that stays with you.

If you are in this position, one key thing to remember is that you are a great person and you deserve the best - and all relationships need to be approached with this attitude.

If people disappear then they either weren't right for you, weren't good enough for you or weren't mature enough for you.

And believe it or not, their disappearing has nothing to do with you!

If this is happening a lot then you would appear to be attracting the wrong kind of person for you. It's time to look at how you might attract the right kind of person for you.

How do you do this?

People give out signals all the time - and these signals are what either attracts other people to us or repels people.

If you want to attract a person who is more in tune with you, you need to start giving out messages that emphasise what you want in your heart and that also emphasise your good points. You need to think about what you really want from a relationship.

Once you start paying attention to these things, both in your mind and by your actions, you will begin to attract people who like you for who you are - and who are less likely to disappear when you tell them that you have herpes.

Wishing you well,

Alison

Not feeling normal...

2006-08-31T09:36:00.000Z

When herpes is more of a long term problem than a temporary irritation, a lot of people say that they don't feel 'normal'. More than that, there is a strong desire to feel normal again. To get things back to where they were.

It can be quite distressing.

But let's take a different perspective.

All that has happened is that you have lost the normality that you once knew. This happens to us every time we experience a change. At all stages of life - I was chatting with someone whose young son had just started school last week and she described how her son was having to adapt to new rules - like not always being able to choose what he wanted to do.

From a child's eye perspective, his world has changed dramatically.

Fortunately, small children adapt easily - but as adults it's slightly different, because sometimes we take our identities, our sense of who we are, from the things that define us - and this makes our normality.

Adaptability and curiousity aid the child as he makes the transitions that are required of him - how adaptable are you? How curious are you?

What can motivate you to 'go with the change' and create a new normality that works for you?

Life is more about change and growth than most of us realise. Sometimes we are the architects of the change and growth - and at other times we aren't.

Many of us resist change and growth - and then suddenlyl, 'wham!', it is forced on us from the outside and we have an experience that can either stop us in our tracks - or, if we go with it, be a catalyst for moving into a new phase of life.

Losing a sense of normality is usual for this experience - and the message of this experience is that here is an opportunity to grow and become stronger.

Building Positive Feelings

2006-08-28T08:26:00.000Z

Positive feelings are contentment, joy, happiness, connection, pleasant anticipation. They can also include confidence, 'get up and go' and a sense that you are on a good path.

Negative feelings, on the other hand, are anger, frustration, irritation, unhappiness, disconnection. They can also include a lack of confidence, low energy and a feeling that you are going nowhere.

Negative feelings and herpes seem to go hand in hand, especially in the early stages. You might be feeling confused, uncertain and somehow contaminated - as though life has dealt you a very bad set of cards.

Unfortunately, negative feelings breed negative feelings. If you keep focussing on the downside, that is where you will stay.

So, how do you get from feeling negative to feeling positive.

I need to stress here that I'm not one of the 'happy clappy' relentlessly positive people that you come across. Those people who say 'think positive and all will be perfect in your life'. This approach is based on a level of truth, it's not the whole story.

This is because your attempt at positive thinking will do battle with your deep inner certainty that you've been dealt a very bad hand and it's really difficult to see a way out.

So, you begin to have the experience of a pendulum. On good days, you will be relentlessly positive and and pendulum will be stuck at one extreme - and then something happens, or you get tired, and the pendulum swings dramatically to the other side.

Clearly this isn't the way to be.

What you need is a little more balance.

The way to do this is to build more balance in your life.

Believe it or not, we are all entitled to feelings of joy, contentment, happiness, connection and pleasant anticipation. They are our birthright, but they don't happen automatically.

If you are not experiencing feelings of contentment and happiness, then there are things that you can do to begin experiencing them.

I know that this is quite surprising to a lot of people. It's easy to think and feel that some things are out of our control and it can often seem that way. Especially with herpes, which is a virus that can seem to threaten our ability to have 'normal relationships'.

You might not be able to control the fact that you have herpes, but you can take responsibility for building positive feelings in your life.

Building positive feelings is different from positive thinking. It's like strengthening a muscle by training it regularly. When you consciously build positive feelings, you are building a foundation on which a positive approach to life will have more impact.

So, how do you build positive feelings?

Let's take contentment as an example.

If you don't feel contentment, where do you start?

Contentment comes from the awareness that everything is just as it should be, everything is slotting into place.

To build a feeling of contentment, might I suggest that you look at your life to find those areas where everything has already slotted into place...

It might be that you are living in a beautiful place, but can't see it because your focus is on the bad luck that herpes has brought you.

Maybe it is time to acknowledge the good fortune that has come your way and helped you to find a place to live that exactly meets your needs.

Friendships, family, career opportunities, invitations, environment, gifts - all contribute to our feelings of contentment.

Build feelings of contentment by listing and acknowledging all of those areas of your life that you know to be perfect just as they are. Pay attention to this and you will be building positive feelings in your life and as you do this, so your experience of the negative will decrease.

It's a gradual shift and if you do it every day, a little bit at a time, you will build balance into your life - and herpes will slowly become less significant.

You can do it - and when you do you'll notice the difference because you will get your life back.

Wishing you well,

Alison

Herpes Diagnosis: Turning Things Around

2006-08-25T08:15:00.000Z

So, you've been to see the Doctor or visit the GUM clinic. You've been diagnosed with herpes and now you are beginning to read about it.

It's frightening: herpes is for life, it doesn't go away: you can infect other people, it is going to affect your sex life negatively.

Please don't stop reading here. Most people do. It's quite a lot to take in and all you can hear is 'you can't do this,' 'you can't do that'.

And because that is the message that you are being given, it's the message that you believe.

I'm giving you a different message.

This message is that although something has changed - in that you now have herpes - you can and will have and do all the things that you want to have and do.

All that needs to happen is that you learn to do a few things differently.

It isn't easy, I know.

How do you pluck up the courage to tell a potential partner that you have herpes?

How do you begin to feel comfortable with yourself when you know that you have a sexually transmitted infection?

To start with, it's important to find a level of acceptance. You might feel a need to withdraw from people for a while. This is fine, it's natural and normal to need space to come to terms with something.

This is when it can help to talk to someone neutral - someone who isn't involved in your life and has no vested interest in who you are to them.

Withdrawing for a whil is OK, but it's not all that good to stay in this space - at some point - without leaving it too long - it's important to get back into life and living.

This is where you start to turn things around.

How do you find the strength to turn things around? Where does it come from? How do people stop feeling self conscious about herpes?

As I have written already, it's important to choose a positive response, to keep focussed on what you want from life.

For many of you this is the normal relationship, the carefree loving, having children and the family that you dream about. It's about being respected and being seen to be normal.

This decision is important. It's the first step in turning things around. It keeps you focussed.

It also gives you information about what you need to do.

But how do you find the strength to turn things around?

Some of the clues are in how you feel.

If you feel self conscious about talking about herpes then you might ask yourself, what would make me feel less self conscious about talking about herpes?

Or, you could look at a person who is getting on with their life despite herpes and ask, 'what qualities do they have that enables them to talk about herpes easily?'

One anwer might be more self confidence. Or it might be that they are happier in their own skin.

And in asking this question and answering, you find that you have been directed to a course of action.

High self conficence and bing comfortable in our own skin are not qualities that are given out at birth with no chance of acquiring them later. They are things that we learn during life, as part of life. Sometimes we learn it quietly and easily, in the company of friends. Other times, life gives a jolt - a higher degree of self confidence becomes vitally important.

In these instances it's important to listen. If you don't listen, you stay stuck and life passes you by.

Many professionals specialise in confidence building. We can all benefit from it - even those who appear to be confident, because we are all growing, all of the time.

So, when you find yourself not foing something because it scares you, ask yourself what is missing - what quality would make it easier - and then go and find a way to bring more of that quality into your life and you will find that you will be able to do the thing that scared you most and that your life is opening out in the best possible way.

Wishing you well,

Alison

After a herpes diagnosis...

2006-08-24T08:11:00.000Z

For many, the herpes diagnosis comes as a shock.

How can this happen to me?

How has this happened to me?

Why?

We can spend a lot of time on the 'why' and the 'how' - even though it doesn't change anything, because once you know that you have herpes it isn't going to 'go away' in the way that we want it to.

This is where, when you learn that you have herpes, it becomes extremely important to choose your response.

It might seem that a herpes infection is going to stop you from enjoying normal sexual relationships or even a relationship itself.

However, all it does is ask that you behave more carefully with regard to your sexual relationships.

Is there a difference?

Very much so.

Too many people react to a herpes diagnosis by thinking that it 'is the end of the world', the end of carefree sexual intimacy. The end of their adult sexual life.

Yet an equal number of people with herpes successfully enjoy fun filled sexually intimate relationships.

Knowing this, tells you that it is possible to to enjoy normal sexual relationships, despite having herpes.

What makes the difference?

The difference comes from your response.

When you find that you have herpes you can choose your response.

You can choose to let it dictate the terms and so inhibit your life.

Or, you can respond by saying that you are not going to let herpes inhibit you and you claim your right to enjoy a fulfilling relationship.

When you make this choice, you are choosing to meet the challenges that herpes has presented you with.

If you feel self conscious about telling someone that you have herpes, then you choose to change inside so that you can do this without feeling self conscious. It is possible and when you make this choice, you grow inside, you begin to become stronger.

Other people will see this, they will want to know you and your life will open out.

Make a choice to meet the challenges that herpes has presented you with.

Alison McVey

Herpes Dating Help

'Giving the Talk' - this free information pack shows how you can unlock your natural confidence and strength so that you feel really comfortable giving the 'the talk'

Health Care, Herpes and Paying for Help

2006-06-12T09:40:00.000Z

Do you or don't you?

Should we or shouldn't we?

I've had a few conversations recently on this subject. Quite heated conversations actually. I'm usually in the camp that says that there is a place for complementary therapists and healers, that they need to eat too and that paying a reasonable fee for their services is ethical and acceptable.

However, there's a school of thought that says that no one should have to pay for health care help, ever. If it's not available through publically available healthcare system then it's a scam, is unlikely to work and if you choose to use it, all that you are doing is exposing yourself to the tricks of charlatans and crooks.

Well, maybe that can happen sometimes - but it doesn't happen all of the time and there are also ways to protect yourself from charlatans and crooks. (You have to engage in extensive personal development work to achieve this.)

This school of thought has a very loud voice and loves to discuss the shortcomings of charlatans and the danger they pose to innocently sick people. And if I'm not careful, I can get dragged into this argument.

But this argument goes nowhere. The critics and the sceptics want to prove a point and, to an extent at the moment they can. As long as there is no trust, the charlatans and the crooks will continue to exist. But that is a different story altogether.

What I want to point you in the direction of is the VALUE that can be gained from seeking as much help as you can from as many different sources.

Let's say that you've had herpes for a long time - a year, two years - and in that time you have had outbreak after outbreak after outbreak. You feel awful, you're not in a relationship and don't see how you can be and you haven't had sex for ages. You've been to the doctor or the GUM clinic or whatever and they've given you as much help as they can and nothing is any better. Nothing feels any better.

What to do?

Well, you can carry on as you are. That's one option. But here's something else to think about. Time spent sitting at home, feeling not only miserable but as though life is passing you by is time wasted. You're only going to be 25, 32, 36 once - time marches on and opportunities can pass you by.

What is the price that you are paying in letting life pass you by?

This is the 'calculation' that I use when I assess whether or not to pay for extra help from a complementary therapist. Will the positive input of someone else help me get past this 'stuck bit'? What is the value to me of getting past this 'stuck bit' - and the value to me is usually a lot more than the £25 - £40 that private consultations can cost.

How do I protect myself from charlatans - or people who don't deliver what they say they will. Well, maybe I encountered a few when I first decided that I wasn't going to tolerate being stuck any more - but I don't encounter them now. The more 'paid for help' you receive, the better you get at sorting out the wheat from the chaff.

And this is something that you have to do by yourself, to start with. but once you have done it once, you really can begin to do it by yourself.

To me, the value of paying for help has been in helping me to move forward.

So the argument about whether people should pay for help or not isn't about human rights or basic humanity but about what you are prepared to put into your own life in order to live it in the fullest possible way.

Doctors in the public sphere and GUM clinics do not have the resources or the awareness to give you the kick start that you need. That's a decision that you need to make for yourself because you value yourself and you value your life.

When you have herpes and it's getting in the way of living, use all the extra resources that you can. Now.

Outsiders View

2006-06-12T09:09:00.000Z

I've been working with a copywriter recently. We've been collaborating on an information sheet that will offer practical 'how to' steps when it comes to telling someone that you have herpes - because it has to be done, occasionally, and it's better if you can do the telling with confidence.

Conscientious copywriters do additional research on their material, looking at the opposition I suppose. So, my copywriter went off to do her research online - and came back with this general comment on sites aimed at peole who have herpes:

'I found in research that a lot of other sites were very sanctimonious, scary or just gave plain weird advice.'

I know the feeling. What is the issue?

It really bothers me that there are many people who think that their lives of love and romance are at an end when they have herpes. This isn't the case.

And who has a right to moralise?

Herpes is a minor viral affection that only interferes with your life if you let it - if you find that it is interfering in your life, then do something about it.

Homeopathy and Herpes

2006-06-01T09:23:00.000Z

I've recently been involved in a really prolonged discussion on homeopathy and whether or not it can be efective in the treatment of herpes.

Most people who believe in the effectiveness of complementary therapies believe that it can help - and most people who think that complementary therapists are a bunch of quacks believe that homeopathy is a lot of nonsense, entertained only by fools and that it can't help anyone.

Two very extreme camps.

Just to state my position very clearly, I am a believer. I am 100% behind complementary therapists when needed, seek homeopathic treatments from a trained homeopath who has been 'my homeopath' for the past 5 years.

I've had a very positive experience of homeopathy and know that homeopathic remedies have played a big part in creating the extreme good health that I enjoy today.

I was lucky - I found an excellent homeopath, and this really is the first step towards a postive experience of homeopathy.

When I went for my first consultation, I didn't really know what to expect. Like many people, I suppose I had that idea that it was like going to the Doctor and that you came away with a different kind of pill that was kinder to the body than the medication that you get from the Dcotor.

However, it wasn't anything like that. A homeopath offers a long ( at least an hour) informal consultation and takes a full history - which includes your likes and dislikes, some personal history and a description of the experience of your symptoms.

Then, after the consultation, the homeopath will research the remedy for your condition that best suits your constitution - because there can be several different remedies that might heal your condition, but not all of them are best suited to you.

In my case, the remedy arrived by post - and all that you do is take and see what happens.

All homeopaths will advise that if they have prescribed the right remedy, then there is likely to be an aggravation of symptoms very shortly after taking the remedy. This is usually a clue that they have got it right - which doesn't always happen. Most homepaths will offer a second or a third remedy if the first on is not appropriate.

The aggravation of symptoms can be quite difficult at first. After all, we've paid to get better - not worse. However, it's very temporary and is sometimes called a 'healing crisis'. I prefer to describe it as a 'cleansing', because that is what it feels like, a cleansing and a rebalancing.

I've come a long way since that first consultation when I expected that I would be given something to 'fix' me, just as we are used to being given by the Doctor. I've discovered that homeopathy supports the body in healing itself and I know that my body is now far healthier and stronger than it was before. I'm happy to experience a 'healing crisis' because I know that I'll feel much better afterwards.

To get the most from homeopathy, I recommend consulting a trained homeopath.

For herpes, you will have the best results if you ask your homeopath to work with you on eliminating the tendency to outbreaks (rather than on shortening the outbreaks when they occur). This will dramatically improve the overall health of your body, so it's well worth doing.

Will herpes affect my love life?

2006-05-31T08:22:00.000Z

Question - Will herpes affect my love life?

Answer - Only if you let it.

One way for you to not let herpes affect your love life is for you to decide that that is not going to happen.

It's easy to think that it will, particularly when you read all the scaremongering information that is out there.

But very simply, all you have to do is

1. To remember that herpes is a very common virus and
2. Decide that it is not going to affect your love life.

When you decide that it is not going to affect your love life, it helps to decide how you want your love life to be. This gives you something to work towards.

Many of us ricochet through relationships because we haven't a clue wnat we want, or how we want something to be. Maybe we stil believe fairy tales, I don't know - but I can't underestimate the importance of knowing how you want something to be.

Also, when you have decided how you want your love life to be, you can also discover what you need to do or be to make that happen. Being passive in a relationship is not the best thing to be.

The decision that herpes is not going to affect your love life is an important one to make. When you make this decision you stop listening to the voices that say 'you can't do this because' and instead you start saying, 'this is what I want, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO in order to get what I want?

You can have everything that you want to have when you set your mind to it.

Wishing you well,

Alison

Introductory Life Coaching Programme: More Details

Once Hurt, Twice Shy, Maybe Never Going There Again: The Herpes Challenge

2006-03-16T12:01:00.000Z

Once Hurt, Twice Shy, Maybe Never Going There Again: The Herpes Challenge.

I'm writing this today for someone who has been badly burned by an incident over the transmission of herpes and who is very reluctant to return to the normal dating scene.

This is understandable, no one likes to run the risk of being hurt again.

But I want to tell this person that it's a bit like when you fall off a horse: everyone tells you that you have to get back on again, and do it quickly, as it just gets more difficult the longer you leave it.

So, how do you 'get back in the saddle' when you have been emotionally hurt.

You need to do two things;

1. Build yourself up by developing those qualities that would have helped you to deal with the circumstance more effectively the first time round.

2. Develop your attractiveness by developing those qualities that the kind of person you want to have in your life will be attracted to.

1. Build yourself up by developing those qualities that would have helped you to deal with the circumstance more effectively the first time round.

Sit down quietly in a place where you won't be distrubed for a while and ask yourself the following question: what qualities would have helped me to deal better with the situation?

Here are some thoughts:

confidence
being able to stand my ground
being able to stand in another persons shoes
being able to make my points clearly
being tougher
being less sensitive
having a better understanding of how to manage people and relationships
being able to tell someone that it is not acceptable for them to shout at me

Think of the ones that are appropriate to you.

Next, you look at each of those qualities and decide how you are going to develop each of them in your life, so that if a similar situation were to present itself again you would know how to deal with it so that you are not left feeling hurt and betrayed.

For instance, if you have found that you aren't always understood and would like to be able to make your points more clearly, then you could choose to develop your communication skills by attending a public speaking group. Public speaking groups are very safe places to learn communication skills and they also support you in building self confidence and self esteem.

Or maybe you want to be tougher - so perhaps you can take up a martial art. Again, martial arts are excellent for both confidence building and self esteem.

You aim is to not be so vulnerable a second time around.

2. Develop your attractiveness by developing those qualities that the kind of person you want to have in your life will be attracted to.

Like attracts like, so if you want to attract a person with particular qualities into your life, then it can help to develop those qualities yourself.

Think about the kind of relationship that you want. What is the other person like? What would make you happy? It might be a bit of fun to think about glamorous film stars and other celebrities, but it's really important to think about what's right for you. We can all be deluded by the promise of riches and the high life, but that's no good if someone with the qualities of your father or grandfather would really make you happy.

What do you value? Do you value someone with a dry sense of humour or someone who has a wicked sense of humour? Or both? Do you want to a relationship to be a caring, sharing partnership - or do you just want to have fun with no responsibility? Do you value honesty, gentleness, adventure, risk? All of these are important.

Take a moment to write down all the qualities that you would like to see in a mate. It might take a wee while to do this, as you refine your ideas. When you have written your list, you can then go through the list and look at how you can develop each of those qualities in your own life.

As you do this, you will find that it's easier to attract people into your life who value you highly - thus greatly reducing your chances of getting hurt again.

If we allow a moment of hurt to interfere with our life, then the person or thing that hurt us continues to have power over our lives for many years to come. It's important to learn the lessons and move forward.

Life Coaching for People with Herpes

A Busy Month Ahead

2006-03-07T07:10:00.000Z

It's hard to believe that it is March 7th already. Time is disappearing and I don't know where to... I've spent far too much time thinking and planning the book that I want to write. It's maturing as I plan, plan, and plan - and is recognisably very different from the first plan.

Which is, I suppose a good thing, because the first outline was strait laced and boring.

Last night, I revisited all the tips that I have hoarded on how to write an ebook. These reconnect me with the fact that you don't write from 'what you want to say' as much as from 'what people really want to know about' - what are the questions that need answering that I can answer?

This requires a shift on my part - again! But it does provide a better framework.

So, what is the required structure.

Well, first of all you create a working title, something snappy and attention grabbing (this is a secret for now!).

Then you write what is called a thesis statement, which states the nature of the problem and how my book will contribute towards solving the problem.

OK - here goes.

My thesis statement:

the problem is that many people who are diagnosed with herpes lose the natural level of confidence that previously allowed them to feel comfortable in moving into new relationships. My book will help to solve the problem by offfering 12 easy things that people can do that will rebuild their confidence in themselves, increase their enjoyment of the dating process and awaken their ability to attract the right partner for them.

Is this enough to get the message across, I wonder. It feels a bit long winded.

One of the things that I want to do is to capture the essence of my own experience, which has taken me from being quite a shy person - the 'nice girl' - to someone who is in charge of her life. Still 'nice', but the vibrant personality that was hidden is now out in the open.

To put it in other words, I now know what I want and who I am - and I'm not sure that I would have got here without herpes as the trigger.

... and supporting others in this process is a really powerful thing to do.

Problems as they arise in our lives, whether it be ill health or job losses or relationship breakdowns are all things that happen to us that force change on us. It's not really our conscious choice. The choices that we then come to have are about how we deal with the change, whether we curl up and hide, in the belief that the world is against us, or whether we see the change as a giving us both the information and the opportunity to grow into our own vibrancy.

It's called going the long way around. When I go to the hairdressers to get my hair styled and I come out feeling fantastic, that fantastic feeling only really lasts as long as the haircut. It's good while it lasts - but can you recapture it yoursel?

However, as you work through some of the challenges that come your way, the light that comes to shine inside shines on the outside too, and it is one that stays with you. That's the essence of true beauty.

And now it's time to get writing that book!

Alison

The benefits of developing another focus...

2006-03-01T09:33:00.000Z

I've had my head down over the past few weeks, an ebook and an ecourse are works in progress - and the aim of each is to support people as they move beyond herpes and pick up their lives again.

As I have been writing and rewriting, the one thing that I am consistently aware of is that herpes becomes less of an issue when you put your mind on other things. And the second part to this is that herpes outbreaks tend to diminish as herpes becomes less of an issue.

Put it another way, if you can forget about it, it (the inconvenience of outbreaks) will go away.

This links very strongly to something that I hear very often in the personal development world, which is that 'what you focus on is what you get'.

This point is usually made to add emphasis to the power of setting positive goals - focussing on the things that you want to have and want to create adds positive energy to the goal.

And it now seems to be universally accepted that thought has a power that goes way beyond just creating images that live in our heads.

So if you are walking around focussing on the fact that you have herpes, you are 'damaged goods' and that nobody will want you - guess what, that is pretty much what will happen. Nobody will want you.

The advice that I give is to stop thinking about it.

Easier said than done, I know. That's because there's a whole lot of other stuff - like can I ever have a relationship, who is ever going to want me... ? It's just not that simple, is it? Or is it?

A main focus of both my ecourse and my ebook will be how to change the story that is running through your head - because you do need to change it. When you change the story, you stop focussing on the bad stuff. When you change the story, the you change the experience.

Yes, it's a bit of a mind trick - but it works and when it is your life that we need to get moving, then the odd mind trick is more of a gift than a con - and I'd like to invite you to play.

Change your story. Change your experience. Contact me today for a confidential consultation

Herpes Dating Help

A very different take on herpes...

2006-01-20T13:47:00.000Z

I came across this article - it's an interesting perspective. I know from my knowledge of the chakras (energy centres within the body) that the sacral chakra links to both sexuality and creativity and therefore that sexuality and creativity are linked - the writer of this article follows this connection and also suggests that healing will be assisted through developing our creative sides.

See what you think.

Dr George Kinghorn - An Update on Herpes Simplex

2006-01-11T15:52:00.000Z

An Update on Herpes Simplex by Dr George Kinghorn

I think that everyone should read the transcript of this lecture. It is easy to read, down to earth and full of common sense.

What stands out for me is his observation that much of what is being described as an 'epidemic' of HSV1 and HSV2 infections has a great deal to do with 'inproved socio-economic conditions and standards of hygiene, so there is a lower level of infection in type 1 in childhood'.

Apparently, 'it used to be the case that the majority of people became infected with HSV1 before they became adolescents and that certainly affected the proportion of individuals who developed symptoms when they acquired HSV2. We now have a very much reduced infection in childhood... This means that when we become sexually active, the majority of us have no acquired immunity to herpes simplex at all. So that if you are exposed to herpes simplex type 1 you may acquite that genitally or facially and have unpleasant symptoms - or similarly with herpes simplex type 2'.

And we all thought it was to do with rampant and careless sexuality didn't we?

It's best to read the whole thing really - the link is at the top of this post.

Life Coaching for People with Genital Herpes

2006-01-11T08:29:00.000Z

I've been reviewing the various elements of the life coaching process this morning, with a view to writing an article about the powerful benefits that life coaching can offer people who have genital herpes.

Life coaching is a process that begins with dialogue - so, on the face of it, it might seem a strange and perhaps even inappropriate approach to deal with a viral infection that is very physical in that it hurts and it makes you uncomfortable.

We're accustomed to looking for medicines and ointments and other such 'fixes' when we have something wrong with our bodies - not talking about it.

However, I'd like to ask you to suspend scepticism at this moment in time as I take a moment to look at one of the significant elements of the life coaching process.

This significant element is that in life coaching is client centred. OK, that's a bit jargony. What I mean is that when you go to a Doctor with a physical complaint, they will put all their attention on that physical complaint. In fact, you would probably be cross with them if they didn't. This is a disease centred approach.

When you go to a Doctor with a genital herpes infection you want them to deal with it. And they will probably deal with it by telling you that there is no cure and offering you an antiviral medication like Valtrex. Which is fine - you will take it or accept it, according to your belief system.

And we leave the surgery - yes, we have got what we wanted. But we also haven't got what we wanted because we don't quite know how to deal with certain issues in our lives anymore. We don't really know if we can have the same expectations as we had before. In fact, there's a huge fear that the expectations that we have previously held have been totally swept from under our feet.

This is where the 'client centred' approach comes in. Therapists, counsellors, healers and life coaches are all client centred. For the most part, they ask you what you want. They listen to you - your fears, your feelings - and they use their expertise to help you to deal with your fears and your feelings. This approach is not directive - for the most part, you as the client, set the path and the agenda.

For example, after a herpes diagnosis, you might go to a life coach and say, 'I want to turn back the clock, I want my life to be normal again'. Now I don't know anyone who can turn back the clock and even if I could do it, I probably wouldn't. However, I will hear that you desire to get your life 'back to normal' and I will respect and acknowledge that desire. I know that I can support you in achieving it, I know that it is realistic and I know that it is possible - and, if you become my client then you have the full focus of my attention and 100% support for who you are and want in life.

Revisiting Fear

2006-01-10T08:26:00.000Z

Yesterday I wrote a little bit about the language of fear and the way that this langauge of fear is used to keep us scared, so that now fear is deeply embedded in our modern society.

I'd like to write a little bit about my own experience. I was once a very scared and very timid person, extremely influenced by this level of fear. It got me nowhere!

I can remember the first time that this fear really touched me. I was 18 years old on a gap year abroad - in quite a far flung place - and suddenly I lost my grip on who I was. I experienced a major panic attack during which I lost all feeling in my arms and legs. Anyone who has ever had a panic attack will know that the only thing on your mind during a panic attack is an absolute terror of dying and you can imagine how traumatic this was for me when I was so far from home. This was the first of many panic attacks, none as severe as the first but all to an extent crippling. I cut my travels short. Once back in the UK, I slowly returned to some degree of normality - not completely though. I was vulnerable and my body confidence was shot. Within 6 weeks of starting a new relationship I had contracted genital herpes.

Looking back on this some 21years later, part of me is incredulous that no one around me who cared for me was able to help me at this time. I feared everything. I feared that I was mentally ill, I feared that I would get all sorts of illnesses and die, I had lost trust in my body and the optimistic and adventurous 18 year old (who was now 19) had disappeared. But no one around me could help me because they were all scared too. They all feared the same things that I did!

Fear is crippling and I grew up in a culture where illness was a weakness and to be feared. So all things unpleasant were vaguely pushed under the carpet.

My daughter is now travelling on her gap year. During the first weeks of her travels she emailed home to say that she was feeling really strange, it seemed like she was a different person and she didn't know who she was any more. As she explained what was happening to her, I recognised the same experience that had propelled me into a panic attack 21 years ago. Simultaneously I was able to recognise acute homesickness and to give her the love and support that she needed to 'ride out the storm' because I knew that what she was going through was a transition and a process that had its own natural end point.

This experience was a great teacher to me. I will admit to a smidgeon of fear when I picked up the phone and all she could do was cry - but I know that love, trust and support win out over fear every single time and so I put my faith in love and trust. My daughter is a beautiful and brilliant person who is lovely to be with. I keep this picture of her in mind whenever life produces problems. In this way, the problems are overcome because I know what I am directing my energy towards, I know the end result that I want to see.

Fear is a completely different energy. Fear imagines the worst, fear thinks of the things that will be lost. Fear is rigid. And really, when it comes to disease and illness the greatest enemy is less the disease, bug, virus or malfunction, but the fear that we have of this disease, bug, virus or malfunction.

I teach 'body confidence' through one to one life coaching sessions. With complete body confidence you gain the freedom to live a full and fearless life. You won't be held back by fears that have no substance. As someone who has been in both places, I can tell you what I prefer. Contact me now for further information.

Be a herpes warrior!!

2006-01-09T15:48:00.000Z

I came across this wonderful 'warrior wisdom'. Enjoy!

The Indians divide people into warriors or victims.

To be a warrior does not mean that you must be aggressive or violent. It means that you are in balance and cares about your relations.

A warrior put the winds in motion and starts things. A victim gets blown away by the wind.

A warrior takes responsibility - for themselves, the family, the tribe, the company, the society. A victim pushes the responsibility away, and blames other people if anything goes wrong.

A warrior is honest and says things short, sweet and to the point". A victim creates a web of small and big lies around them.

A warrior respects other people. A victim judges other people.

A warrior is in balance and follows the ways of love. A victim is stressed, confused and full of fear.It's a life long education to find the warrior path, but it's worth working on every day!

Fear Promotion

2006-01-09T14:34:00.000Z

I've been reviewing herpes related websites today as I'd quite like to make a few connections. One of the sites that I visited was Herpes Help.

This particular website is promoting Valtrex and is owned by Glaxo Smith Kline. That's fine, everyone has a right to a voice - but the reason why I won't be putting a link from my website to this website is because of the language of fear that they use.

Words like 'highlycontagious', 'suffer' and 'risk' - meaning that you, the reader, are the one that is 'highly contagious', 'suffering' and 'a risk'. A bit bleak isn't it?

It's always possible that one day we might live in a world where there are no serious illnesses, no viral infections and all will be perfect. But I doubt it. We therefore have two choices - we can put a man made barricade in and around ourselves to keep infection out or we can become so physically strong and healthy that any infection is a minor episode.

As a teenager and young adult, I was very scared of illness and saw death around almost every corner. I was like a frightened rabbit, scared of living. I've put that behind me now and I can see how timid I was - but I can also now see that the media and the pharmaceutical industry like to keep us in this place where we are scared. Because when we are frightened and we think that they offer scurity, we'll buy what they offer.

You have your own security within you. You can make a choice to build your physical strength so that you are less susceptible to illness. And I can help youto do this.

Food for Thought

2006-01-08T17:37:00.000Z

This article offers an interesting perspective

Genital Herpes: My First Important Decision

2006-01-08T14:41:00.000Z

A couple of weeks ago I spent an entire day with an image consultant. She came to my house and the whole day was spent on me, on the things that I could do to help me to look my very best. I'd known that I needed to do it for a long time, but it took me ages to pluck up the courage. It's very professional and very liberating, as I discovered a look that is entirely 'me' and very much in keeping with who I am.

Now I don't know why I waited so long - the effect is amazing. I feel sexy and attractive and so different from the person that I was a few years ago, when I felt deadened by the experience of genital herpes. People are responding to me differently and I know that I am shining with good health and vitality.

It just goes to show you what is possible when you put your mind to it - and I'm not really sure that I would have got to this point without the experience of genital herpes, because having herpes has really made me fight for what I want from life.

I'm reminded of the first major decision that I made in my bid to heal myself of recurring herpes outbreaks. It's a decision which I feel certain has been instrumental in bringing me this far: I decided that I was no longer willing to be a victim in life.

I'm not sure how much of a victim I really was in the first place, as it is all relative - but I'd had a series of bad experiences where I'd had to fight for emotional survival and unless things changed it looked as if I could be set on a path of repeated bad experiences. And the only place that things could change was with me.

And at that point I saw the recurring herpes outbreaks as being as much an indicator of my being a victim as the unpleasant stuff that I was getting from the people and circumstances that surrounded me, so I applied the same attitude of 'zero tolerance' and set about changing my life so that bad things were less likely to happen. And the herpes outbreaks diminished.

It's wonderful now to feel so confident in myself, my attractiveness and my appearance. I know that this is possible for everyone. Herpes is healed as much by attitude as by good health - and now is the time to start.

Welcome to my Herpes Dating Help Blog

2005-12-15T10:11:00.000Z

Hi Everyone,
My name is Alison McVey.
Welcome to my blog about issues surrounding herpes dating and relationships.
I look forward to creating, with you, a lively and interesting blog, where we can explore together the possibilities, our experiences and a positive way forward.
Love Alison